Ahh, corporate BS

I recently came across this job posting for an Administrative Assistant. Now I feel even worse for laid off people who are looking for jobs. My commentary appears in italics.

Responsibilities

  • Provides analytical and specialized administrative support to relieve executive, administrative, and line and staff managers of complex details and advanced administrative duties.

I’m not quite sure where to begin with this one. What kind of specialized support? Like a call girl? If the position is to relieve everyone above the new person of “complex details”, what is left for the higher ups to do? Or is this admin actually above executives? Does “advanced administrative duties” include ass-wiping?

  • Executes special or continuous research and data analysis tasks.

So, it’s either special or continuous, not both. Can do special, but not continuous? Go ahead and apply.

  • Analyzes problems, determines approach, compiles and analyzes data, and prepares reports/recommendations.

Third time “analysis” has been mentioned in as many bullets. Is this an Admin Assistant, or a Business Analyst? Or maybe a DBA.

  • Coordinates activities between departments and outside parties.
  • Contacts company personnel at all organizational levels to gather information and prepare reports.

Finally, some real, traditional Admin Assistant responsibilities.

  • Work is generally of a critical or confidential nature.

How is that a responsibility? Try: “Produce work of a critical or confidential nature.”

Qualifications:

Experience

  • Strong Computer skills – MS Office

I understand there is an argument to be made for capitalizing Internet or Web, but “Computer” has never been an option.

  • Ability to learn, understand and introduce new ideas into new tasks

They don’t want anyone who cannot “learn” or “understand”. So, retards need not apply, but maybe dogs can. But what about introducing new ideas into old tasks?

  • Must have the ability to multi-task in a fast paced environment

No shit – every job description says that.

  • Effective Communication and Organization Skills

Is capitalizing for emphasis Needed experience for job posters?

  • Marketing, sales, account management, project management experience are all a benefit.

This is sounding less and less like an Administrative Assistant. Maybe they want an ex-PM who has now decided her true calling is admin work. They must want to hire someone very cheaply to wipe asses and do everyone else’s job while they go have lunch on the company’s dime.

  • In-depth knowledge of client facing [employer] systems is a plus

So, you want to hire internally? What if it’s a proprietary system you’d only know if you were a client?

  • Independent, self-motivated, and success driven. Technical aptitude

Obviously you’d have to be success driven to apply for this Admin Assistant/Project Manager/Ass-wiper. You’d be movin’ on up in no time!

Education

  • College Degree or applicable experience preferred

So, your preference is no preference between college degree and applicable experience.

Comment are closed.